Only Children of the Corn 

National sibling day? Cause it’s not like we ever get the spotlight or anything…

I have no siblings. When I was 6 my best friends were a dog and my mom’s cousin. I also had three American girl dolls and a Bitty Baby. Some of my favorite things to play were tidying up my Play Mobile house and coloring inside the lines. I could do what I want when I wanted because my name is Ellen and I am an only child.

Obviously, not all only children are the same. But they do have a lot in common, having had to learn to entertain themselves at a young age with their imaginary friends Kenny and Ditto (Pronounced Dee Toe), listening to the Best of the 70s at adult dinner parties, going to bars with their parents and eventually learning to flip $4 in quarters off their elbow. Oh wait… Am I just talking about me now? Yes I am. So Only Child of me! Because I’m such a spoiled brat and here are some more of my finer qualities.

At times we are difficult to date

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I’m used to being on my own. There are many a times where I get lost in my own head and hear little that is going on around me. So that mean’s when my boyfriend is trying to talk to me, sometimes I just don’t hear him. I also just pick up and go wherever I please (typically to the mall with my mom) and forget to tell him. Plus you can’t compete with only children parents on birthdays…

Impatience is my strongest virtue

Again I’m not a brat it’s just that growing up I never really had to wait my turn for anything. I wasn’t the kid pushing children out of my way to be first but I’m not a patient person. I really don’t think this is an old child characteristic because I know a lot of people who enjoy instant gratification and they came from all types of families. But being the one and only I’m sure didn’t help!

Being an “only” is my prominent character flaw

i-love-you-myself

“OH you’re an only child” or “I didn’t know you were only only child!” People I’m not a leper, there are others like me. It’s a strong stigma that comes over me, yes but I promise you I try really hard to hide they fact that I can’t share and I’m 26…

Sharing is hard sometimes

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As stated above, sharing still gives me anxiety. It’s this strange feeling that overcomes me. I get the gist of it, you want something and I give it to you. Well my 26 years I never had to share the computer or the video games or toys. I can thank my friends from high school for helping me understand that these feelings are BAD and are not acceptable. But sometimes I still feel the urge to eat the good jelly beans and leave share the rest.

Being alone = favorite hobby

I am ok with going places alone, being alone for days on end, picking up or going somewhere without another companion. Which is amazing because I know that I can do it. I can entertain myself and quiet time makes me happy. But then there are the weekends where I haven’t responded to 12 text messages and I’ve the same t-shirt I was in since I got home from work on Friday because I actually have the ability to become a hermit…

Socially Awkward (along with Olivia)
is my middle name

I tell stories that are off the beaten path and at times have a hard time starting a conversation with people I perceive as being cooler than me. I remember weird things about people that I’m sure at times FREAKS them the fuck out but it’s how I have learned to relate. There was no other kids around to tell me I was being weird or to pick on me. I just had my parents and aunts and uncles and parent’s friends to just humor me and encourage the bizarre conversations I would start. Also, most of my social skills were developed on beanie babies.

I spent a lot of time with adults

23 Problems Every Only Child Will Understand

I’m not saying I’m mature because that is totally not the case. I just seem to get along so much better with people are more along my parents age. I like the conversations that are had. I can’t quite describe it. I have always gotten along with my friend’s parents and have seemed to blend right in when my mom has them over. I of course have my own friends but they themselves possess certain qualities that are more seen in 50-60 year old women.

I can pitch it but I can’t take it

23 Problems Every Only Child Will Understand

I can make fun of you until the cows come home but honestly if you make fun of me I’ll run in the house crying and refusing to go back outside. Again allowing me to hang out with the “grown-ups”. My pissy face is know by all in my life because I get annoyed easily. People who aren’t my parents don’t understand my “sensitivity” and by sensitivity I mean child like behaviors.

I have an interesting relationship
with my parents

Wiffle GIF

No one does holidays like my parents. Everything is made to be a special day for me! It always has been (in the most unselfish way) about me. They are my “go to” people for everything. There was never really anything I couldn’t say to them because for the majority of my life they were my source of entertainment and human interaction. From parties to vacations my parents have been my people.

I was the whiny housemate

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The basics of cohabitation don’t come naturally to me, like: don’t eat their food, respect their privacy, clean up after yourself etc. Basically I can no longer do whatever I want, whenever I want. Thankfully my college roommate was one of those good people who knew I was a psycho and had no concept of coexisting with another human. So she was added to the list of people who just understood.

 

I’m not going to say I wouldn’t change it for the world because I have no control over my parents and if they want more children, but obviously now it would be weird…Mostly because they’re divorced…This is who I am and I am a product of the people who raised me. This article though, is a shout-out to my second grade teacher Mrs. Thomas – for telling me that I was “lacking the required social skills,” but really the only thing I was lacking was the patience to deal with the animals that you desperately wanted me to play with. So here is to all the only’s out there and the people have have become our siblings! Thanks for helping us learn the ways of the world. Until next time loves,

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