Top Ten Rules of Throwing a Party

Have enough food and water

Alcohol and more alcohol never mix, ever, especially tequila. So have food for people. Real food like a tray of Philly pretzels, with chips & dips and mini sandwiches. Having nonalcoholic beverages available isn’t’ a bad idea either and I don’t mean just so you can add alcohol to them. Send people home with a soda or bottle of water. Don’t run out either because party goers rarely know how to control their alcohol consumption. So be certain that you have more than enough to soak up the excess alcohol.

Have enough toilet paper

Speaking of having enough of, make sure people feel comfortable in your bathroom. Upset stomachs happen especially when you add beer and shots into your diet. So make sure that there is enough toilet paper for people. Also up until 2 weeks ago our toilet could only be flushed every 20 minutes and that sucks when you have people over! So people who are new to your home feel so uncomfortable, make sure that doesn’t happen! You want to make sure that people feel welcome and well… at home.

 

If you want people to BYOB… Tell them…

Never assume people know to bring their own alcohol. I have gone to many a parties where the host would be insulted if people brought alcohol and I have been to parties where I have heard girls talking in the kitchen a pissy saying “I can’t believe she didn’t even bring anything!” As a host, make sure you tell people what they should or can bring. Have a friend who likes to try new recipes? Let her bring one! Someone has a bottle of wine they have been dying for you to try? Tell them you’ll provide the bottle opener. If you really don’t want people to bring anything, TELL THEM!

 

No drinking and driving

Have freshly washed blankets and pillows ready just in case people have a bit too much to drink and need to sleep it off at your house. Drinking and driving isn’t tolerated in my house, so give people options. Or make sure that there is a DD. It doesn’t need to be a 90s sitcom where all the keys are in a jar in the parents room but if someone is getting out of hand, cut them off. I’d rather my friend be mad at me over something so stupid, then hurt themselves or someone else.

 

Make sure the guest list is public

Do the right thing, dude. If you have invited two people to your party who only recently stopped exchanging bodily fluids and had to remove each other from social media out of their own self-preservation, let them know. Don’t leave them out in the cold to ruin their whole weekend by running across the person who just ripped their heart out and ate it. It’s just not a nice thing to do, and you wouldn’t like it to happen to you. Give them the opportunity to politely decline and cry at home in peace. But I’m not here to live your life.

 

Don’t clean during the party

Friends don’t want you to Swiffering under their feet or running the dishwasher. Let it go until everyone leaves, don’t make people feel like you’re pushing them out. There is always your best friend who will stay until the end and know their duty is to help you clean. So until the night is over, just enjoy the company and a messy house. It is literally the most passive aggressive way for you to say “you are totally ruining my life and flow of my house, please leave so I can clean”.

Damage comes with the territory

Something is going to get broken, stained, or misplaced because your drunk friends love to fuck with you. Put away things that break easily, hope for the best, and resign yourself to at least a few repairs to be made in the morning. Do it right, and you may even avoid the unfortunate “Really guys?! Where the hell is my remote!” group message in the morning. Maybe.

 

Don’t be a  music dictator

You cultivate the perfect playlist with all of your favorite songs with a nice blend of the hits and classics, you spend weeks perfecting it. Then that guy (and we all have that guy) takes it upon himself to go add 10 of the most annoying songs he can come up with in a row. He will take the whole thing over and becomes DJ Irritating for the rest of the evening. So unless you want to spend the night fighting him — time to just accept that Creed will come on at some point.

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