No, I Wanted the Good Candy.

Every year growing up, it’s the same thing: you dutifully put on your homemade Power Ranger costume, and set out into the neighborhood, knocking on doors with dreams of full-size Butterfingers and Snickers and Twizzlers dancing in your head, only to watch those nougat-based hopes crushed by an old lady handing out boxes of raisins. So, in an effort to put a stop to those kind of kid-saddening monkey business, I’m offering up my list of the worst shit to receive on Halloween. Be sure to print it out and hand it to your neighbors.

Homemade candy

First off my mom is NOT going let me eat your homemade, potentially razor-blade filled candy you concocted in your kitchen. It fills up your bag, but draws zero excitement, holds zero trading value, and generally just get thrown away immediately.



They’re the worst thing to have in your car, on your desk, and even in your pocket.  This is because all you’re really getting is a handful of worthless copper shit that will eventually break your mom’s dryer. Plus now my candy is going to taste funny from the dirty money you threw in my bucket, that also now clankets about when I run. Quarters would have been better cheap ass.


Raisins and Whoppers

Both are the equivalent of a box of Lucky Charms without the marshmallows, it’s a waste.You know they’re always going to be there, but you’re going to do your best to eat around it to get the instant gratification of the better, sweeter, actual candy. Eventually, circa Thanksgiving, your mom finally just makes you throw it away. They have all the sugar of candy but they are far from the delicious sugary treats we all yearn for. I have a theory they don’t make new Whoppers they just keep reusing the same batch that was made 1940. I remember one Halloween, my family had a Whopper fight, which basically was everyone pelting each other with those malted devil snacks.



Twenty years ago we were at the point where kids were taught not to ever eat anything they received on Halloween that was unwrapped. The world is even worse now, so I really can’t imagine that today’s parents are going to let you eat that apple from your plastic orange pumpkin.Unless apples are being bobbed for or dipped in caramel, there is now place for fruit on October 31st!



First off we got the same flyer in the mail so we already have these coupons. Doing this will get you a pure “oh really?!” look of pure disappointment! This is the same thing as trying to give me an information packet about your company in my jolly pumpkin basket, don’t do it. It sucks and makes me hate you.


Anything That Will Pull My Teeth Out

That includes Dots, any taffy that isn’t Laffy Taffy,  Jaw Breakers/Fireballs and anything that is from three Halloweens ago. I’m just looking to have a good time here let’s not get crazy because I have a long night ahead of my Elsa costume requires teeth. Try those shenanigans with the kid who’s just wearing a mask.


Loose Candy

So wait, let me get this straight: you want me to grab a handful of jelly beans out of a bowl that everyone else has been sticking their gross hands in as well? Also, are these even Jelly Bellies? I best be getting at least one toasted marshmallow or I’m going to be PISSED, but I won’t know because my mom just said “throw that away the minute we get home!”


2 thoughts on “No, I Wanted the Good Candy.

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