I Don’t Know How People Do It: Part 1

From what I understand, I am considered an “adult” now. So why don’t I feel like it? Why do I still wake up every day thinking “Holy shit, who is letting me make all these decisions without any sort of supervision whatsoever?” But rather than dwell on the paralyzing sense of self-doubt, I thought I’d come up with some affirmations instead.

We’re learning along the way because we have to. We’re beginning to understand the basics but this thing called life needs to be learned the hard way.

I don’t understand how some people “do it”. How do they survive every day, mentally, physically, financially. Age is an easy comparison- for example he is married with two kids at 27 where I just had enough money to buy groceries this week. She bought a house and I still don’t know if I have a 401k. So I thought maybe most people are just doing the whole “fake it until you make it”. Maybe we are just good at appearing to be adults.

Update Social Media With Important Sounding Status

Have you ever seen on TV and in movies when a kid sits on another kid’s shoulders wearing a huge coat, and they pretend to be a full-sized adult? That’s basically what this is, only we have the physical appearance/ illusion of a grown up so we must imitate the responsibility and actions of one. Post things like “Slammed at work today and I come home to the hot water heater broken!” This tells everyone you’re A. Employed B. A home owner and C. that your are Houdini-ing the shit out of this adult thing. Because those same people that read those statuses are also the same ones who saw you shoe-less puking outside Murphy’s.

Invest In Real Furniture

My adult habitat was not always as suitable as it is now. In my living room we had colored Christmas lights that hung year round (not in a cool Tumblr way), which is why nobody was coming to me with their questions about diversifying bonds, financing a home and having a 401Ks. If you want to be an adult who people take seriously, you’ll probably need furniture that isn’t made of flimsy plastic and lighting that isn’t from the Spencer’s Gifts collection. I know, it’s a lot more trouble to clean things and use coasters but this will give the illusion of being a grownup. For many years we could only afford main furnishing- so finally we’re now able to have things like a bed set and futon that doesn’t look like it came from a frat house.

Learn How To Cook Something Real

As someone who has used smoke detectors to know when a meal has been cooked thoroughly, I understand how difficult making anything other than rice or pasta can be. What comes in handy is knowing how to throw together a few legitimate meals – you know, like stuff other than sandwiches. Spaghetti is always a cheap, easy candidate that doesn’t require Emeril type abilities. Or knowing how to cook various types of meats. Grilling is probably your best bet because you all know that if you really can’t cook- you don’t know how to clean those dishes. Try to have a dish that you can through together that looks like some effort was put in This is used for work lunches and parties where beer isn’t acceptable to bring.

Grumble About Mature People Problems

“I can’t believe the terms and conditions of the new pension plan! That’s outrageous?” said the immature person masquerading as an adult. Your problems can’t be things like running out of beer during your Red, White and Booze themed party or the terrible officiating in your intramural field hockey league. They’ve got to be significant, important issues. Things like higher health insurance rates or watching your cholesterol.

Be the Bigger Person

A crucial part of the whole adulthood thing is not getting involved in hostile confrontations, because ideally grown-ups are able to use their words and intellect to resolve conflicts. Yes, that’s easier said than done, but making a conscious effort to talk things out peacefully or ignore petty nonsense earns a lot more adult points than screaming like a deranged cast member on Tila Tequila seeking camera time. Even if she annoys you or he’s kind of a tool, try to be cordial and find a way to respectfully express your disappointment in their existence. This isn’t a girl at the bar who purposely knocked your beer out of your hand- this is an office and you need money to buy Hot Pockets and keep the lights on.

Wear “Real” Clothes

Try ones that were not given to you for free in college, or pants with a drawstrings. Here’s the catch though — It’s not just about going out and buying said clothes, you have to actually wear them out in public. Clothes in general can be annoying, but pants are the prime offenders of discomfort via garments. Wear pants in front of people so they have visual proof that you do in fact get dressed occasionally.

We can learn how to do pretty much anything. I’m not saying it will be done well but with the combination of parents and the internet- you’ll figure it out.

Know how to fix a toilet? Hire a plummer. Don’t know a plummer- thank god for Google. Bought a shirt you don’t know how to wash? Call your mom. Always have a flashlight with working batteries, clean sheets in case someone needs to stay over, liquids besides alcohol, how to work the fire extinguisher, have kitchen essentials like oil, sugar and flour & lastly Clorox wipes don’t clean everything.

That’s all for now. Check back Wednesday for the next installment. Or don’t but you’ll miss out. That ones funnier.




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