14 Things That Should Have Happened By Now According to 10 Year Old Me

I was always the kid that kept a diary. Which is probably not shocking considering you’re reading my modern day journal- minus all the drama… oh wait…

I was obsessed with putting every memory to paper, even the bland ones. Like Mrs. Smith brought us in cupcakes, or getting to the next level in a video game without the help of my cousin or dad. Didn’t matter what it was, I made sure everything was jotted down- even if it was in a black notebook with pastel gel pens.

But probably the most depressing enlightening entries are those from Baby Ellen on what she expected from Adult Ellen. And re-reading them as a full-fledged adult is both hysterical and…kind of sad. Let’s just say I had high expectations because at 10, 30 is really fucking old and even then she knew you should have had your shit together by now.

Sorry, Ellen. You’re 27 and these MUST HAVE achieved items are going to likely remain blank (mostly because the 90s are over). But like, we’ve done some cool stuff?


I’m barely 5’2″, I really like pudding and heels are hard.

A husband and two kids

Hahahahahaha- we have a dog- once we ran his tail over with the vacuum.

A Loft in Paris

The closest I got is strolling around Wegman’s wearing a beanie and eating a baguette.

Be best friends with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

We ended up going in differend directions

Visit Ohio

Because that’s where Clarissa Darling lived, alright?!

Have won the lottery

My gram wouldn’t let me watch my shows until she heard the lottery numbers and watched the Polkas. Plus I was allowed to buy her lottery tickets and pick the numbers. Larksville is a weird place.

Big. Boobs.

Yeah- genetics said it should have happened but it didn’t.

Dated Jake Gyllenhaal or JTT

Hey there’s still time on that one folks!

Glowing and flawless skin.

I have three pimples sitting casually on my chin at this exact moment. My dermatologist and I are on first-name basis

A frequent guest on The Ellen Degeneres Show. (Same Name)

I was interviewed once by a man on the street. But he didn’t have a TV show and later peed on the side of a building.

An impressive salary.

Remember this is a list of things I don’t have….

A thriving social life.

I have roughly three people I enjoy spending time with and one is a dog. And I’m pretty content with that though.

Run a sanctuary for stray dogs and cats.

Mostly I just want to buy a bunch of dogs and love them.

A general sense of financial comfort.

Girlfriend just bought $25 in rings from Charming Charlies, priorities are a little blurred

So Adult Ellen it’s now time to make Baby Ellen proud! Live long and prosper.



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