Hey Four Eyes!

When I was in the fourth grade, my teacher read from big, oversized books and we’d each stand up, one at a time, and read a sentence. One day, I stood up, looked at the page, and realized I couldn’t read a word; it was all a blur.

I mean this wasn’t shocker. It’s not like my family is a bunch of sharp shooters and I’m over here. To be honest I’m surprised my genetics took me this far.

Next thing I remember, I was sitting in an ophthalmologists’ office picking out a pair of glasses. Glasses? I imagined kids would call me “four eyes” (they didn’t). I imagined being picked on, being called ugly (I wasn’t). So I picked out the roundest pair I could find and chose confetti as the color- let your imagination run wild.

But you know what did happen? I COULD SEE! It took some adjusting and some resisting on my end but overall the ability to see outweighed my inability to read the chalkboard.

All that to say, I’ve been wearing glasses for a long, long time. I type this rocking a negative 4.5 in my right and a whopping negatie 6.25 in my left. I’ve had pairs I’ve loved, pairs I’ve hated, and pairs that have been run over, rolled over, and snapped. When kids couldn’t remember my name, I was “the girl in glasses” by default. It’s my thing.

So, as the woman in glasses, allow me to shed some light on ordinary and consistent problems us bad-sighted folk deal with:

1. When your glasses break, your empty wallet flashes before your eyes.

It’s not just an ordinary accessory. Either you drop hundreds of dollars on new frames and lenses immediately, rock some Urkel tape, or go through the Warby Parker try-on period and stay blind for a solid week.

2. Choosing the right frames requires at least a full day of indecision.

The decisions! Sometimes we like the “look” of a frame, but it doesn’t suit our face shape. Or, we worry that it’s too trendy. Or, too flashy. Or, too boring.

These things are going to be on our face, and I don’t know a single person who can pick out frames without a mild mental struggle and a few selfie texts to friends.

3. Eye exams are comparable to Medieval torture.

“Which one is clearer: number 1 *click* number 2 *click* or are they about the same?”
Ummm, the first one? No, definitely the second. Wait, can you go back again? Maybe they’re the same? And no, I would NOT like you to puff air into my eyes.

Unfortunately, a prerequisite to getting new lenses are these uncomfortable appointments, reminding us we’re slightly blinder each year.

4. And you can’t see sh*t when you’re swimming, either.

Let’s just say I spent my childhood summers as “Marco.

5. Rain storms leave you with blurry vision.

Bummer about your hair getting wet, but I can’t see right now.

6. Going into someone’s warm house when it’s cold outside …

Your glasses WILL fog up.

7. Drinking a hot cup of tea or coffee …

Your glasses will ALWAYS fog up.

8. Be prepared to lose your frames to infants who’ve hit their “grabbing” milestone.

No baby can resist grabbing these puppies straight off my face as I gently wrestle it out of their fiercely tight fists

9. Showering and shaving is done by memory.

We basically learn to shave by feel, not sight. And is this shampoo or conditioner? *squints at the bottle*

10. You’re too familiar with the unsettling feeling of people asking to try on your glasses.

Then you’re momentarily blind as they say, “Oh my gosh; you’re blind!” Yes, yes I am. Now stop stretching my frames.

11. You reach for your glasses in the morning and discover they’re missing.

Assume the position of crouching down and patting the rug. A minute of panic always comes over you when you think you slept on them for 8 hours. See #1.

12. We fit into three stereotypes: nerdy geek, sexy librarian, and well-read/smart.

I fit into the fourth- person who can’t see and just needs glasses to view the world around us.

13. Everyone has an opinion when you’re wearing your contacts or glasses.

I’ve actually had several people tell me I look better in glasses, which is a strange compliment because they’re essentially saying I look better when plastic is partially covering my face.

14. You instinctively go to adjust your glasses mid-conversation

Image result for pushing up your glasses gif

15. People who wear glasses strictly for fashion annoy you.

You don’t know the struggle and for that, we shun you. I literally can’t see if I don’t turn my hear. Hence I am blind if I look down/up/left/right.

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